August 26th, 2005

Time: 11:11 am

i met my friend matthew for coffee yesterday and told him i'm leaving for the states next wednesday. "you must be having lots of coffee then?", he said. yes, i sure am. i meet people for breakfasts, lunches, coffee, and dinners and i am slowly sinking in pre-departure panicky mode. people from penn state are sending me hectic when-are-you-coming-back-so-that-we-can-set-up-a-meeting emails and i already have all of next week scheduled and confirmed. i have to finish up some work i've done during the summer and get all my reading materials for the first week of classes ready so that i can start reading on the plane. how do i feel about that? i couldn't care less. all i can think about is how as i leave on wednesday yet another piece of my heart will break off and will be lost forever: the price one's got to pay for being a global citizen. sigh.

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August 20th, 2005

Time: 07:13 pm

I just wanted to let you all know that I am living and well. Various types of social activities have kept me away from the computer. It's a bit of a struggle for me but I've somehow managed to stay away. A short story before I go. A couple of days ago I ran into a friend of mine from high-school. Turns out she's doing a PhD in philosophy at the Bulgarian Academy of Scieces. Whoa! I had no idea! That's awesome! She sees I have a book in my bag and asks what I'm reading. It is Foucault's History of Sexuality, Vol.1. Her reaction? Friend: Wow, I don't have the luxury of reading such liberal authors. Me: WTF?! She proceeds to tell me that in her Department, they read Habermas, Derrida, etc. but only to know what they're saying, not that they take them seriously, of course...What?!

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August 16th, 2005

Subject: baby, this is a song instead of... Time: 03:33 pm

half way through our stay at the northern parts of the black sea coast, we discovered a very old Allanah Myles tape. there is a song that goes something like this: ...baby, this is a song instead of a touch darlin' this is a song instead of a touch to all of you who wait so long and need so much... now that i'm back, i can't help hearing that song in my head. i feel like everything i do in no way can replace the total bliss of the past two weeks. so, here's a journal entry instead of a long day at a rocky beach far from sight. this is a journal entry instead of feeling COMPLETE... i have no desire or ability to write about the last couple of weeks. it was as close to perfection as it could ever get. with all its charm and all its love and all its pain and all its doubt and all its images and sights and sounds...it was the way it was supposed to be. and THAT much more.

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July 28th, 2005

Subject: confession Time: 03:05 pm

a couple of days ago geo and i saw 'the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy'. geo's a big adams fan and i, well, i've started reading the book at least three times but never finished it. anyway, the movie was very entertaining, i thought, and the cast was just amazing. i was with it all through the very end when the characters decided not to go back to their old lives, even with the opportunity to change stuff around. why, i wondered, but of course, was too embarrassed to ask. and now, days later, i'm still in a bit of a puzzle. was it because they couldn't part with their newly-found adventurous lives? that seems too obvious an answer...

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July 26th, 2005

Time: 02:43 pm

every time i come back to bulgaria, i realize how much more connected people here are. how much more responsible to each other they feel. how one's parents, and relatives, and friends are such an integral part of one's life, more so than they are in the states. maybe that's not a 'bulgarian thing'. maybe it has more to do with MY life in the states and how MY life there is structured. generally speaking, in the states my work is my life and all the people that i have surrounded myself with are people that i've met through work. in the states i do what I want and do as I please and i hardly ever feel any sort of responsibility for anyone else but myself. it's been a survival mechanism of sorts, that came to be as a result of my knowing that i need to take care of myself because initially, there was nobody i could rely on to take care of me and then, it became a habit. that's not the way my life here in bulgaria is. here, there are networks of people who are ready to put their lives on hold and re-structure their own busy schedules when i come back. they give and give and give and i can't help but feel like i couldn't possibly give back nearly as much in return. i feel so loved, so incredibly loved.

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July 21st, 2005

Subject: i am sorry to inform you... Time: 12:56 pm

that nothing worth blogging has crossed my mind recently. that's not to say that nothing has crossed my mind period. it's just that things are either too personal or meaningless...that's usually how my stays here in bulgaria are. emotionally charged and, clearly, sucking the ability to write out of me. days of watching television and reading newspapers, however, have shown me that bulgarian politicians are obnoxious and have no shame or desire to at least put up a show for the people who voted them in office. most of them act like retards. i am not even going to begin to question their political ideologies, there're none. sofia is one huge construction site. from what i hear, so is the coastline. i am spending the next couple of days in Botevgrad, the following week or so in Sofia and then i'm off to Kamen Briag and more...don't even ask how far along i am into my reading list. not very far. i will keep you updated. and thanks for coming by.

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July 19th, 2005

Subject: live from bulgaria Time: 01:34 am Current Mood: good

just letting you all know that after a long and gruesome trip (involving numerous lay-overs and one almost-missed flight) i made it home. rumors have it that we just had an election, and that the next prime minister will be a moscow-educated socialist, and that garbage in the sofia was not picked up for over a week, and that half of the country is under water due to tropical storms. all of that has yet to be confirmed by me. what i HAVE already looked into is the taste of tomatoes, and feta, and yogurt, and pepsi, and white wine, and grilled chicken...yep, still taste delicious. what can i say?! i'm on vacation.

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January 5th, 2005

Time: 01:32 am Current Mood: sad

Despite all my efforts, the sadness has managed to creep in. It always happens when I am home for a short period of time and although I expect it and think I am prepared for it, it always strikes when I least expect it. I want to block bad thoughts and conversations but they do take place no matter what. It almost feels like I have no control over it. The nearness of the day of my departure intensifies everything and a stupid fight becomes a HUGE deal. Miscommunication seems like a mistake that can't be repaired. I feel like the ones who love me the most are the ones who fall victim most often. Sometimes it just feels like I'm about to crack open and fall apart. There is not enough time for feeling hurt or misunderstood. There is not enough time for explaining. There is not enough time for doubt. There is only time for love and laughter. And more of the same. I never feel more at home and more homeless than I do when I am home.

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January 3rd, 2005

Time: 11:03 pm

Time is ticking away. Trying to spend good, quality time with the ones I love and have missed so dearly while in the States. Not enough time. There's never enough time. In the meantime, two people whose opinion I value more than anything, have read my paper on the politics of weblogs and (despite their initial scepticism) have told me it is good and that I should pursue it. It felt as if a tremendous burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Now, as I wait for friends in cafes and as I listen to Franz Ferdinant while shuttling back and forth between Botevgrad and Sofia, I scribble notes into the margins of my book and, then, try to transfer them into my notebook so that I won't forget. Which, by the way, is what I've wanted to do with every single one of my days since I came home. Every night I want to fold the day in four and place it between the pages of my book, let it dry and then put it some place safe where it would never be lost nor forgotten. You know how sometimes you just KNOW that you are in a point in your life that is bound to determine how things will be in the future. Well, this is how I feel. It feels importantant and meaningful, in the most amazingly wonderful way imaginable. Oh, I almost forgot. Happy new year to you all.

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December 28th, 2004

Time: 07:58 pm

planning parties is stressful and unrewarding. note to self: avoid planning parties in the future. just attend.

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